By Mike McPaddenMr. Skin is your kind of guy. Just look at this website. Now imagine that his knowledge, expertise, and quick way with a quip about pubic mounds could be transformed into an easy-to-carry, all-skinclusive, one-stop reference book covering the very best of the breast in what's nude on home video.
Well, quit imagining. That book is here, and it's Mr. Skin's Skintastic Video Guide: The 501 Greatest Movies for Sex & Nudity on DVD.
What follows is a compendium of motivating factors as to why you should get the Skintastic Video Guide. We'll leave it to you to surmise how we settled on the number 69.
1) You loved Mr. Skin's Skincyclopedia, and the Skintastic Video Guide is tighter, faster, easier to read, more affordable, and less dangerous if you drop it on your foot . . . along with anything else it might hit on the way down.
2) All those sleepless hours in front of Cinemax, nowhere to turn for guidance . . . until now.
3) Complete body-part listings of who shows whatincluding boob counts, butt counts, and muff counts.
4) Uncovered at lastwhich movie contains the most bare butts in cinema history!
5) In a similar vein, find out which single film contains the most breasts and muffs ever put on film. (Hint: It also features the most male-on-male fisting and spectacular castration.)
6) 501 skin-depth reviews arranged in glorious alphabetical order, from 10 (1979) (Picture: 1) to Zandalee (1991) (Picture: 1).
7) Time-wise, titles range from Promises! Promises! (1963) (Picture: 1) to American Pie Presents: The Naked Mile (2006) (Picture: 1).
8) Every genre and type of movie is included, from Hollywood blockbusters starring Angelina Jolie (Picture: 1), Halle Berry (Picture: 1), and Sharon Stone (Picture: 1) to cult classics such as Showgirls (1995) (Picture: 1) and The Hunger (1983) (Picture: 1) to late-night favorites like Wild Things (1998) (Picture: 1) and Poison Ivy 3: The New Seduction (1997) (Picture: 1).
9) The book also covers 1970s drive-in flicks (Deadly Weapons [1973] (Picture: 1), Death Race 2000 [1975] (Picture: 1)) , '80s teen sex comedies (Porky's [1982] (Picture: 1), Fast Times at Ridgemont High [1982] (Picture: 1), The Last American Virgin [1982]) (Picture: 1), '90s cable softcore (Naked Souls [1995] (Picture: 1), Animal Instincts III [1995] (Picture: 1)) , and recent independent cinema (Secretary [2002] (Picture: 1), Dancing at the Blue Iguana [2000]) (Picture: 1).
10) Let's not forget about all the direct-to-DVD scorchers that get reviewed, such as Mercy (2000) (Picture: 1), Thursday (1998) (Picture: 1), and Sexual Predator (2001) (Picture: 1).
11) Dozens of Top 5 lists, including Blaxploitation, Women in Prison, Russ Meyer titles, and PG Movies for Nudity.
12) DVD special features get laid bare. Learn where to find bonus nudes and unrated sex in formerly PG-13 flicks such as The Dukes of Hazzard (2005) (Picture: 1).
13) The back of your toilet is no place to keep even the most portable of laptop computers. It is the ideal place to keep the Skintastic Video Guide.
14) Mini bios of Skin Visionaries such as Andy Sidaris, Robert Altman, David Lynch, Paul Verhoeven, Jesus Franco, Zalman King, and Troma Films.
15) Skin-finitions galore! Learn the proper meaning of the term "Caged Monkey."
16) Subtle shadings that separate Ilsa, She Wolf of the S.S. (1974) from Ilsa, Harem Keeper of the Oil Sheiks (1976) and Ilsa: The Wicked Warden (1980) revealed!
17) Actress Skindex handily shows that Uschi Digard (Picture: 1) is referenced on pages 35, 42, 43, 129, 130, 152, 172, 173, 191, 324, 325, 375, and 378.
18) Director Skindex lays out who made which movies, page by page. In what other canon can Bernardo Bertolucci and Corey Feldman rank as equal peers?
19)Mr. Skin's Top 69 Movies Not on DVD (Yet) runs down our skinematic faves that we're still waiting for on disc, including Chained Heat (1983) (Picture: 1), Chatterbox (1977) (Picture: 1), Gemini Affair (1975) (Picture: 1), Mandingo (1975) (Picture: 1), Pretty Maids All in a Row (1971) (Picture: 1), Screwballs (1983) (Picture: 1), The Stewardesses (1969), and Zapped! (1982) (Picture: 1).
20) Several titles on the Top 69 Movies Not on DVD roster have, since press time, been released on disc. Case in point(s): JoBeth Williams running naked through a high school in Teachers (1984) (Picture: 1). We'll be correcting that list in our second printing, thereby making all first editions boner-fide collector's items.
21) We forgot to include Personal Best (1982) (Picture: 1) in that Top 69 too. Count on us to change that in future editions as well.
22)Misty Mundae (Picture: 1) may be all "Erin Brown" of late, but you can get the full skinny on eight of her vintage efforts, not to mention all manner of other Misty details in an unhealthy amount of sidebars.
23) Beloved Howard Stern Show funnyman Artie Lange supplied us with a quote that came in third place for the cover: "Now that Mr. Skin has figured out where all the nudity is in the movies, can he tell us when they're about to start to suck?"
24) Find the fake movie! Somewhere hidden among all that skinformation is the review for a film that, outside of the fertile imaginations of Mr. Skin's minions, simply does not exist! Email us your best guess and you'll be eligible to win a Mr. Skin t-shirt!
25) Christmas is coming. Fast. Don't you want that special someone in your life who seems overwhelmed by all the choices in nudity on DVD to be doing that too?
26) Somebody had to tally up all the rigid milk spigots and fantastically overgrown furburgerage in Immoral Tales (1974) (Picture: 1) and Bloodsucking Freaks (1976) (Picture: 1). And that somebody was us.
27) Dig Scream Queens? Dive into the Skintastic Video Guide for ample representation of the life's work of Linnea Quigley (Picture: 1), Debbie Rochon (Picture: ), Michelle Bauer (Picture: 1), Julie Strain (Picture: ), Julie K. Smith (Picture: 1), and the usual shrieking suspects.
28) There is simply no possible way to ever read enough detailed descriptions of the mouth-wateringly huge, long, fat, ultra-succulent super nipples of Jane Birkin (Picture: 1), Patti D'Arbanville (Picture: 1), Kim Basinger (Picture: 1), Kathleen Turner (Picture: 1), and Farah Fawcett (Picture: 1).
29)Cheryl "Rainbeaux" Smith is all over the pages.
30) If you buy enough copies of the Skintastic Video Guide, we'll be able to publish the complete works of Lil Princess.
31) You can conveniently read the Skintastic Video Guide on the subway, in an airplane, at the clinic, or while operating heavy machinery like, say, an airport X-ray machine or a prisoner-transport bus.
32)Mr. Skin's Skintastic Video Guide will never judge you.
33) "Video Resources" section lists websites for the studios that brought all these skincredible productions to DVD.
34)Tanya's Island (1980), a jungle adventure in which naked Vanity (Picture: 1) goes bananas over a guy in a gorilla costume, is immediately followed by Tarzan the Ape Man (1981), a jungle adventure in which naked Bo Derek (Picture: 1) frolics with a real orangutan during the closing credits.
35) Writing about Tarzan the Ape Man makes us remember the line from Gene Shalit's review of the movie that was quoted on the poster and never fails to crack us up: "Tarzan and Jane are a couple of swingers!"
36) Foreign films receive plenty of l'amour. Dig our reviews of Tie Me Up! Tie Me Down! (1990), Sex and Lucia (2001), and Y tu mam tambin (2001), among others.
37) Two-thirds of our editorial department could use a raise. The other third needs more cash on hand for full-contact strip clubs and Coke Zero.
38) What's the name of that intense, really scary movie from 2000 with the sexy, full-bosomed crew-cut chick Emily Haack (Picture: 1) getting all messed up and peed on and being used as a human bottle-recycling device and having a real wiener dunked in her open mouth? Page 290 reveals all.
39)Cheech and Chong are represented with Still Smokin' (1983).
40) What's so unusually skinteresting about the boobs of Mary Louise Weller (Picture: 1) a.k.a. Mandy Pepperidgein Animal House (1978)? Page 23 fills you in on the scoop(s).
41) It's only $19.95! And even cheaper online! What's a double-sawbuck to you, G?
42)Mr. Skin's Skintastic Video Guide contains no jokes about Jesus or any of The Golden Girls without their clothes on.
43) The book also is completely devoid of the word "nekkid."
44) Same goes for an utter absence of terribly witty and original wisecracks involving the last name of the United States' 43rd president (Por ejemplo: "There's no bush in this movie." "You mean there're no Republicans?" "Oh-ho-ho! Zing!").
45) The entire mid-1990s canon of naked Anna Nicole Smith (Picture: 1) films is chronicled on pages 305 and 339, respectively.
46) Of course we write up Big Bad Mama (1974), but what about Big Bad Mama II (1987)? It's in there!
47) Let it never, ever be said that Twin Peaks siren Sherilyn Fenn is an asshole. But(t) she sure does have one. And all those who ever wondered what the single greatest motion-picture revelation of a female celebrity's anus might be need now only to turn to page 344.
48) You need to read more.
49) We all need to read about famous ladies' vaginas more.
50) At least two films in Mr. Skin's Skintastic Video Guide showcase taboo acts of girl-girl twincest. It's your privilege to seek them out.
51) You can always shove the Skintastic Video Guide down the front of your pants if you think somebody's sneaking up on you. Try doing that with a computer.
52)Roncoonce the domain of innovations on the order of the Smokeless Ashtray, the Pocket Fisherman, and Spray-on Hairhas produced no potential stocking stuffer for Holiday Season 2007 that comes close to competing with Mr. Skin's Skintastic Video Guide.
53)Mr. Skin's Skintastic Video Guide will shake you every which way and loose.
54) We acknowledge Joe Bob Briggs as the original pioneer of the boob count. And after Joe Bob was such a ten-gallon tool to us during his Skinterview, we reckon such magnanimity ought to be rewarded.
55) Use Mr. Skin's All-time Favorite Movies for Sex and Nudity on DVD list to startand finishbar fights.
56) Do it to make up for once purchasing The Da Vinci Code.
57)Lana Clarkson was so much more than just the extremely unfortunate houseguest of (allegedly) trigger-happy hairdo volcano Phil Spector. Pages 39, 56, 104, and 356 immortalize the Barbarian Queen (1985) beauty most fittingly.
58)Mr. Skin's Skintastic Video Guide has got a lot of what I like to call The Moist.
59) What an ice breaker! Present a copy of Mr. Skin's Skintastic Video Guide to a blind date, your new clergyman, the incoming head of the PTA, or any other fresh figure you hope to skinstantly impress.
60) If you didn't buy the Skincyclopedia, you owe us one, bucko.
61) Okay, so you did buy the Skincyclopedia. What are you going to do nowjust live with a skin-complete set?
62) If we sell enough Skintastic Video Guide, our neighbor Roger Ebert will simply have to write the Skintroduction for the next Mr. Skin book.
63) Abundant "Skinfos" scattered throughout the text provide bonus skinsight into multitudinous movies. Find out why the fact box that corresponds with the revenge blowout I Spit on Your Grave (1978) on page 181 is titled "I Spit on Your Marriage Certificate."
64) TiVo, DVR, Netflix, iPod downloadsas technology rises and storms like an endless onslaught of tidal waves, Mr. Skin's Skintastic Video Guide navigates you through this stormy, ever-changing, oftentimes overwhelming sea of entertainment options by keeping the focus on getting you to some very specific flotation devices.
65) No other entry in the Library of Congress is as loaded with the term "actress." Okayexcept Mr. Skin's Skincyclopedia.
66) You can bookmark page 188 and then turn to it every time you wonder, "What's that '80s teen comedy with the chick who disguises herself as a dude in high school and then opens her prom tux to reveal the most awesome set of torso orbs ever photographed?" And then, forever after, you can instantly remind yourself, it's Just One of the Guys (1985).
67)Anne Hathaway (Picture: 1) of Disney's G-rated Princess Diaries film series bares her regal rack in the white-chicks-playing-rough drama Havoc (2005). Page 161 provides yet another primo bookmarking opportunity.
68) Your mom has her Good Book, now you can have yours.
69) We made it all the way to number 69!
